Living Outside The Box: Forward
Here is the life of me. Who I am. What I am. And Why I am. My name is Keith Alan Teasdale, and I have written this because I needed to, for my own sanity and to ease my mind. First written in 2003, added to and revised since, this is not a story, but a reflection of my life up to now, the year 2009. When you say story, the first thing that comes to mind is fairy tale, fake, made up, literature for reading entertainment. That is not what this is. This is my heart, my soul, everything that I am. Everything that makes me, well me. I had started and stopped writing this so many times over the years. I could just never seem to finish. Guess I still can't. As long as I still breathe I feel it important for me to continue. There always feels like so many changes. My heart matures, my mind matures, so I keep adding. Adding to who I am. I continue to open and close doors of my mind and my heart as I try and understand the world and myself. I have always tried my hardest to shove everything I am into this. To make sure every little piece of myself is in here. From the past to the present to what might or might not lay beyond for me.
I might as well start at the here and now. Then I will go back to the begining and work through what has led me to here. I will now take you on a special little journey into my entire being. I hope that you understand that this is as true as you will ever find. This is how I think. This is how I feel. This is how I hurt. I am now and forever, an open book.
Living Outside The Box: Present Day
I am sad. I hurt so very badly that I can't really put it into words. Each day for me is damn near torture at times. I have nothing to make me feel whole. Nothing to make me feel alive. Nothing to make me feel. The only thing I can do as of now is try and distract myself. Distract myself from what's inside and concentrate on the things that I can do for others and things I can focus on that will keep my attention. As you can plainly see I have been working on my own website. I have added some things that can bring some amount of joy to my life. From what I like to collect, to the sports I enjoy following, to any other form of entertainment that I watch or do. I try so very hard to keep what I am inside for only myself to see. I try to keep it from others because it's the easiest way. I try to smile, and do at times when I am in the company of others. I try when I am at work to keep myself focused on being ok. But there are times when I can go to work and feel like such a waste. Such a failure at life. I am not excited everyday to go to work, and most people aren't, but the difference is what else I have going on inside. So when I will get down at work because I am there, it means I don't have the strength to fight off my hurt. So the rest of my hurt will surface and I will struggle through the day.
I don't have what I need in my life. From the friends in my life that haven't always had my best interests at heart, to the family that hasn't always been there in the important parts of my life, to the love that I so very desire in my life, what I needed wasn't there. My whole purpose for being here in this life is love. And when I do not have it, nothing else in this existence truly means all that much. I care, I care about what friends and family I have, I care about the interests I have, but there is always an empty feeling that is sitting there eating me away piece by piece. You have to know and see my heart to completely understand what that means.
So what does it mean to live outside the box? Well for me it means turning a once joyful child with so much promise into a severly depressed young man with no desire to continue an ardous journey. Living outside the box means seeing the world and it's people for what it, and they really are. For not only in a general sense but, as a whole and on such a grand scale. Having a viewpoint, thinking, and caring in a way that is outside of what has become accepted as normal has opened my eyes and has me wanting to distance myself from what has become a waste of such a precious gift. The most painful thing about where my mind resides is a suffocating feeling of loneliness and despair. A feeling that has taken over and become the main aspect of my life. A feeling that has progress over the years into a very dangerous threat to my own well-being. A feeling that can't be remidied by those around me but by the one who is pure of heart and whose heart will be mine with a passion unmatched by any other. The one who's being will become just as much a part of me as I am. The one who will be loved and devoted to on such an immeasurable scale. The one who just because of who she is and what she stands for will be rewarded with a bond so strong that it could not and would not be broken. And the one that would give me a reason to live.
Living Outside The Box: The Begining
The past is a very dangerous place to be. It can reopen old wounds not completely healed. And for the thinking man, it also can be a very important place for reflection and learning from ones mistakes. There where happy times in my past but a great deal of them came in the early stages of my life, but I wouldn't have know any better about all the little details anyway. The years of a child are very important for any youngster as it will help determine what kind of adult they will become. What a child does instinctively, what is said and done to a child, as well as the environment and people a child grows up and around is what will guide the child into the first steps of being a young adult in the world.
My very early years were filled with a great deal of joy. There were also a couple of instances of emotion pain but those weren't important until some years later. Life was good as a young boy. It wasn't your picture perfect scenario, but I had my mother and supportive grandparents to raise me. The first half dozen years went fairly normal. I was able to go places and had loving people around me, so it was a good start. Without a father figure around, my grandfather was the most important man in my life. And because of that, there became a very special bond that will never be forgotten. These years you could almost constitute as a basic childhood besides having to live with my grandparents. Then when I was around 7, my mother and I had moved into an apartment. I had started 2nd grade around this time when my mother met someone. When he moved in with us, we moved downstairs from our small apartment into the nice size first floor of the house. The apartment upstairs could only be reached by a side door so where we were at that point seemed about as close to owning our own home would be without having the deed. With a large cellar and a backyard big enough for me to play in, it was a cozy place to live. So with my place of residence normal and my mothers suitor living with us, I had a fairly stable family life. What was there to complain about? I had a nice roof over my head, I had my mother, I had the man that years later would become my stepfather, I had my grandparents, I had a fairly large family and some close friends to be around, I had my health, I played baseball, I had excellent grades in school, I had my life. Then one by one, it all came crashing down. Then stone by stone, I came crashing down.
So when exactly did it start? Where did it start? And How?
Well it's tough for me to remember exactly but it seems to me it started when my grandparents moved to Florida. Now it wasn't the event itself, but it started a chain of events that has left me in the state I am in. My grandparents moving to Florida led my mother to pack up our things once I finished 5th grade and put them in storage. Then without my future stepfather, the two of us headed down south. The trip was brief. After some usual family issues, there were some large rifts that were made which led us to come back home along with my grandparents. So we were back. But to what? My mother had no job, I ha no friends and there was nowhere to go. So we lived here and there and pretty much everywhere inbetween. We stayed in Foxboro and Norton thanks to my future stepfather, and we lived in numerous places in Pawtucket. So many places in Rhode Island that it's hard to get them all down but I believe there were four or five places we lived in, in a span of about two years.
Through all of this, I was able to stay in the same elementary and junior high schools. Now staying in the same elementary school should have been helpful with being able to stay sociable with my fellow classmates. However, because of the circumstances, that did not happen. With so much moving around, I wasn't able to stay close with any of them. So I was alone and I was embarrassed. Ashamed that I wasn't living in a normal, stable home. And things would only get worse. The first stages of depression had set in. There was always moving, always more lonliness, and yet I could not see what was happening. I was young, I had distractions, with family and sports to keep me occupied, I couldn't see the path I was heading down. It wasn't very long after that time where I did see. It was the start of junior high. My life was about to become a living hell.
With no friends, and being the not so cool smart kid led to a wonderful experience for me throughout two years of junior high school. Going to school and having to hear some kind of comment, some kind of remark, pretty much anything and everything to make me feel like a piece of shit, and having to hear that every day for two years was not easy. I was puzzled. I hadn't done anything to these people. Hadn't said anything. I just kept to myself. I just tried to focus on my grades. But even that started to become difficult. I was so heartbroken over what was going on that my focus just wasn't there all the time. I would continue to have incredible grades in math though. It came so easy. I could process things so fast. I would take at most 15 minutes on a test that the class would spend 45 minutes on. I would at one point be accused of cheating or having the answers to the tests because I wouldn't have to write any formula down on paper. I could do it all in my head and breeze through it in no time at all. And thanks to the teacher always giving a couple of bonus points on tests for the class, my average for the year would be a 101.7. Follow that with a 98.9 in 8th grade and that was pretty darn good. But my mind was starting to become overwhelmed with emotions. I had played baseball for so many years up to that point but even that became unimportant. A fairly good player up to that point, but when my confidence in myself became shot to hell, even that I couldn't continue with. I felt like a failure, I just couldn't take things so I quit the thing I loved most. With no social activity left after baseball and the boy scouts, which I had also quit, I didn't have anything but my schoolwork to keep my going. But by the end of 8th grade, it wasn't enough. I had started to fall apart.
That was the start of my transition. The carefree boy I was, was starting to have to open his eyes to see what the world around him really was. The most important part of it all was starting to see people for who they really were. What they really were. So I was changing and many more things were starting to affect me but I still could not truly comprehend what was happening to me. Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, all had some importants things to work through and understand what had happened. All I could do is use them as a learning tool. So with high school around the corner I thought it would be best if I were to get a fresh start. A Pawtucket high school was not where I wanted to go. So we moved yet again, but this time it was to Lincoln. I thought maybe now things would get better. I was in a new town. I would get to meet new people. My grandparents now lived only two minutes away. This was to be the start of the second phase of my life. I had hoped so very much for things to get better for me. How so very much they did not.
Living Outside The Box: Stepping Out Of The Box
I was now a resident of Lincoln. I had but a week before school was to start when I caught a break. The woman who showed up our apartment lived right down the street and she had a son who was also going to be starting high school. Now I still get to see this woman, on the occasion I see my freind, and each time I must give her a hug and a warm hello. She has been so kind to me over the years, so caring, that at times when I have gone over the house, I have spent time just sitting with her and not caring about seeing anybody else. She has always had a special place in my heart because of how she makes me feel as a human being. I have tried to do the little things to show her that appreciation over the years because I feel the need to. She needs to understand that she has had an impact on my life just by being her. But back to the start, her son and I met and ended up becoming friends. So right out of the gate things looked good. In my apartment building there was a family of Russians who had moved there not too long before I did, that I became friends with along with a good number of others kids that lived either in the apartment complex I was in or on the adjacent street. So I had some new people I had become friendly with in a short time. Then it was time to start school.
It started all over again. I was once again made to feel like a worthless piece of shit. I guess it's just not something you can get used to. Looking back now, I was quiet, I didn't have the "cool" clothes, I just wasn't cool. I was in terms a loser. It's just the way it is. But wow did it hurt like hell when I didn't know why I was being made fun of. I wasn't fortunate enough to have name brand apparel when it came to clothes. Just living with my mother and her living off the state, money was not an option. So school was very hard again. It made me feel even worse than I already did. What could I do to make things better? Well I thought I had found a way. A girl in the complex I lived in said she liked me. And while I did not feel the same, I decided that, in all my wisdom, if I had a girlfriend, I would be cooler, more accepted. Now this girl was my friend, but I was not attracted to her in a way that would make me really want to be with her. So I decide that we would start going out. Now maybe the whole having a girlfriend thing would have worked in any other circumstance, but I had overlooked that it wouldn't really help if said girl was made fun of as much if not more than I was. And after two weeks of this wonderful experience, she would tell me she was with somebody else. And while it was what I wanted, it still made me sad. I never truly considered her anything more than a friend, but it was just the thought of not being good enough. And that thought has become a staple in my life.
In the end, High school ended up being more or less a waste of four years of my life. All I have from it is a piece of paper, less than a handful of good friends, and so much more hurt. From the start of high school right up until the end, my grades took a nosedive. All I can think of is what a waste. I see myself as having a rarely intelligent mind. Not that poeple would be able to tell now after the beating my mind has taken, and the amount of shit going around at all times in my head, I can't concentrate, or don't bother to and I see myself making mistakes. But the important part is still there. There are people that are smart, but not in the right way. I think with my head and my heart. That is what seperates me from most. But to think with ones head and heart is what most others will never know. I should have become something great at this point in my life and had so much more to come. I should have done something that I deemed important. Only I can tell just how smart I really am, or should be now. I am good at so many different things. I am just allowed to do so. A part of me is still that bright kid who could have done anything. I can even suprise myself at times with what I can do. But only I can tell just how smart I could have been. However, no matter what, it means nothing in the end, it's your heart that defines who you really are.
I never had that push I needed in school or at home. In fact I've barely gotten anything that I needed along my journey. Guidance, friendship, love, that's what I needed. I've had friends, but not so much bonds. I needed strong bonds. As I now have a couple of good friends, and some others I see every so often, I've never had that person that could really understand what it is to be me. Just because of how different my mind and my heart are, I just feel alone in my journey. Even with my best friend and some other people I see on a regular basis. Part of it is because I am empty, but another part is because I don't have somebody who is truly on the same wavelength that I am when it comes to a lot of things. My stepfather has a good heart but his mind doesn't always process things like it should and my mother is, well my mother. There are many things that I know could have and should been better if she had been better or if her mind and heart were on the same page for most of the time. And many things that should be better now. But nothing comes even close to how I felt about my "friends" in the past. As down as I had been at times, I should have been able to lean on what friends I had for support. But I was shown early and often by the group of "friends" I hung around mostly throughout high school, that I wasn't completely part of the clique. I wouldn't be invited or told about some gatherings, not included in events, or at least not until I found out about them and then was reluctantly asked to join in. I would call a friend and make plans, only to have them call up some of the other guys to see if they wanted to go. Then I would be called back and told my plans had been scratched. I would then be asked to join the cool kids in what they were doing to which I of course would decline. The worst happened right at the end of school. Senior Prom time. Didn't want to even go to the prom, but was asked by an old friend of mine to go. So I went just for the sake of going. So I went. Come picture time we all get in line and take them. Once these were done, another friend of mine asked me to talk with him. So I did. I went outside and we sat near the water and talked for awhile. Once we parted I went back inside. This is where my heart was finally just ripped out and shit on. Now the group of guys that I would hang out with weren't all my good friends, but a couple of them were. The group of us totalled around 12 or 13, something along those lines. But it was at this point that I was told that the group had all taken a picture together. All of them, except me. Now I didn't care about most of the guys, but the few that were supposed to be good friends with me, them I cared about. I cared about them not coming to get me. The whole group of us had started a little wrestling league that we would do in the guys basements or garages. This was the "clique". I did whatever I could to impress the guys. To be accepted. From taking steel chair shots to the head to anything really that involved banging my head off of something. They thought it was funny. They to some degree thought it was cool that I had such a hard head. There was so much I tried to do to be accepted. And in the end, when I found out about that picture, my heart broke into a million pieces. Even to this day it hurts me. Let the past be the past? Sure, but there are things that scar you and you can't forget. For me, there are some things that I feel you shouldn't forget. You shouldn't forget what people are capable of. You shouldn't forget what people can do to you.
So high school was over. Those last days are supposed to be a memorable time. Well they were. There are numerous things that I will never, ever forget. I would graduate with just average grades. In fact I would have to take 11th grade English along with 12th grade English during my senior year thanks to failing 11th the first time through. That's what happened to me. Right there was the result of what other people and myself had put me through. That was years of hurt. Of pain. I had become nothing by the end of school. The boy who could could have an average of over 100 in math and could do all of the work in my head had gone from that to failing a class. From always having high honors to straight c's for most of 12th grade. I breezed through my senior year without having to put hardly any effort into it. I cheated my way through almost all of 11th grade english the second time around. I did pay attention in some of 12th grade however thanks to a teacher that was kind to me. He would talk to me and treat me like a human being so it was a priviledge to have him for English and Journalism during that year. So that was it. While I didn't use my head much for school, my mind was busing working elsewhere. My mind was finally waking up and starting to understand the world around me. I was becoming me. I was stepping out of the box and seeing things in a different light.
Living Outside The Box: Kicking The Box
School was now but a memory. It was time to start laying down the foundation of what was to become the rest of my life. It's funny how I'm still standing in a stupor, just trying to figure out where to pour the concrete. I have no direction except for where I know my heart wants to end up. I had worked at Stop & Shop for many years. First part time, then leaving to go to Ann & Hope for a full time morning gig where I was able to work with my friend Dave for a short while before we found out the company was downsizing. I would then go back to Stop & Shop. Only to leave and go to Florida for a while to try and get myself together. Once I returned I would again be a part-time employee for Stop & Shop in their produce section. This would lead to a full-time position there and would eventually lead to managing a Starbucks coffee shop in one of the Stop & Shops stores. While it was nice to finally be the guy in charge and nice that making all the different kinds of drinks was similar to bartending, which I had gone and gotten my lisence for, it was not to be as with some disagreements on how to properly manage the store and increase sales, I would return to the produce section of Stop & Shop for one last go around. *as a note, the Starbucks, almost two years later, continues to make less money than when I ran it (which again I could not do properly). I would however finally be able to get out of Stop & Shop after I started working for the plastics company I work for now. And while I am still not satisfied with what I am doing at all, I still get paid money at least. But I still feel like my minds being wasted each and every day I go to work. Actually, I still feel my mind is still only running at a portion of the level that it should be. It just doesn't always seem to be in pristene running condition.
At one point in my life, I had finally gotten a firm grasp on my mind. I had been reading often and just feeling like things were clearer to me. I even paid for a couple of IQ tests to see just where I was. And while a 149 score was very high, I still thought there was more to be had. I would find out the average score would be anywhere from 90 to 110. I would see that I had so much potential, even still. But having a high IQ had meant little to me. The IQ itself is just a test of retaining information and remembering how to solve problems. Sure I know and have known others who also have had a high score, but I never thought anything of it. Sure they had a whole hell of a lot more schooling that I did and they had had more life experiences that I had, and still it meant nothing to me. For it was my mind and my heart working together as one that made me realize that I could be and was something special. That I was a whole hell of a lot more special than any of the people I knew. The term for what I have is Emotional Intelligence. It is the mixture of intelligence and emotion that creates the most important kind of smarts. And it's the kind that I do not see from others. Even the smartest of people I know can be so braindead when it comes to some of the most important things in life. So oblivious.
I take a great deal of pride in what my heart has truly become. Of course, I only get to be who I really am when I can weed through all of the shit and distractions and really think and feel. See I have a very strange condition that others couldn't even begin to understand. So what is it? Well, my first symptom is that I am smart. That in itself is a very serious threat to society as we know it and could very soon give cause for a nationwide search and decontamination of all subjects who suffer from this terrible disease. I only wish I didn't have the mass amounts of shit clouding my head that keeps me from showing it anymore. But being smart is just the start of it. I also have been afflicted with thinking. It's not enough to be smart, I know lots of smart people, but they don't think. Sure there are plenty of people today that are smart, but they are programmed that way. These few are allowed to be smart, however, they are not allowed to think for themselves. They are caught in what has been force fed to them. They can't step out of the box and see what's important. If they were allowed to do that, havoc would then ensue. For to know, is to rise up. Any sensible being would see what has happened to the world around us and try to fix it. However, maybe that's not the problem though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are a lot of smart people who can really think about what we have become as a human race. They just can't be bothered to care. So maybe humanity can go fuck themselves. That seems proper. All things considered though, it's not just that either. It's that little nagging virus that usually is the worst culprit. It's a condition of the heart which seems to be the most critical. See I care. I truly care. And quite honestly I haven't come across many who feel as strongly as I do about what really matters. And what doesn't. Thinking, caring, and being smart, I mean wow, what are the odds. Well from what I can see, slim. But I guess I just got lucky. This way I get to be in the minority and have to suffer through all of the pain and frustration. I used to be like so many others and used IQ as an important gage of a person. People have shown me the truth. This is what emotional intelligence is all about. It's about thinking, but not just with your brain, but with your heart as well. It's a lethal combination of the two that can lead to overdoses of compasion, love, kindness and rare instances of thoughtless giving to others. And only doing those things for the benefit of those who would be receiving something. And it's those people that truly realize and appreciate the true nature of a good dead where it can be special.
Good or bad, I'm partly thankful for all of the people I've come across. Without them, I would never have been able to change into the person I am. Those who are not strong willed usually will become puppets. They don't think for themselves. They end up programmed by the people they grew up and around. If I weren't as strong willed and intellectual as I can at least be at times, I would have become a drone, and a person I now would not be able to respect. I have seen and experienced some of what people are capable of. It has led to a hurt that leaves me ashamed to live in a world and be around its people where morality is dead. I certainly have done things I regret but for everything I have or haven't done is a testament to what I need to remember. So I can stay in place of peace inside about who I am now.
I've seen what most people are all about. I've seen the intelligent be stupid and the spiritual be a thoughtless and a pathetic representation of what they are supposed to believe in. I have seen the ignorant, the mean, and way too much of the childish head games. These come from the people on the other side of emotional intelligence. These are the people that are small minded and uncaring. I have know many, some for a great deal of time. From family, to school, to some workplace environments, they have been everywhere in my life. Sad thing is now I get to see all the little head games as they come. I just let them play though, for it's morally acceptable these days. It's so pathetic. People are so fake. They are truly fake. What you see is not what is there. I could take a couple of people and use them too prove my case but I feel the effort would be wasted on my part. It's certain people that will lead you to believe that they are great. That they are good willed. That they have a good heart. And most comically for me, they are the ones that make you think they are smart. Foolish bastards. They just play games. And boy do I like to play games now. I do not stand for the bullshit anymore when it comes to people. I fight back with my mind. I defeat them at their own games. And I do it because what people do just isn't right. And I play back because nobody stands up for what is right anymore. Even some that say it don't have the balls to stand up for what they are supposed to believe in. And that's why people suck. Because even those that can see it dont' do a damn thing. It's all about looking out for #1 now. That's all that people are concerned about. Even when they see the world around them slowly crumble into nothing. If that weren't true, things would be so monumentally different. What's happened is people have gotten stupid. People are just taken advantage of and on such a grand scale. The school systems have continously gotten weaker over the years which has led to more drones. Want to discuss a conspiracy theory? What are the odds that the people continuing to make the desicions for the country and in the world are just making the younger generations dumber as they go? That way people can't see what's going on and the ones that do know saying anything will do no good as they watch the country continue to go into the tank. People are so sure that everything around is ok. Things that should be done by the people making the decisions are being done. That they are doing everything they can to help you make your life easier and just overall better. Well guess what? They are not. And we will continue to be hollowed out until we crack.
I just can never stop thinking. Something is always there. I think all the time because I feel the need to make up for the severe lack of it by others. I have been told many times to stop thinking so much. Unfortunately I can't. And for two very impoortant reasons. First, my mind. My thinking is not nearly as general as most. When my mind is in it's proper place, which hasn't been for quite some time thanks to so many things, I think in a very complex way. In layers so to speak. That's why people don't always get me and why I do or say certain things. That's because I break down a situation. I see why people do things to get a result. Why people say things to get a reaction. I figure out why these things have been said or done and what those people were thinking when they did. That is very important. I see what's going on in a persons head when they play their little games. My mind will become thiers and I will process why an event happened. What they were hoping to get as a result of it, and why they would do it. This is why I don't get burned by all the head games anymore. This is a big reason of how and why I get to see people for what they really are. So my mind is always going. I can't stop. And the second reason behind why I can't stop thinking all the time, the key to it all, is my heart.
Living Outside The Box: The Heart
To care. So difficult to some, it's what helps drive me. It gets hard sometimes when I'm around people or places that bring back painful memories that these things are either the cause of or associated with. Never the less, my heart is true. My heart is pure. I do the little things people wouldn't think of or expect. The basis for how I feel starts with my view of creation. Now I do think there is something out there that we can't understand, and death is still a mystery, but for creation, I feel that has been left to chance. I may be wrong, I have no concrete proof in front of me so I will always be fairly open. But that is why I have so much respect and love for the natural beauties that have been created. I love nature, I love gazing at the stars, and I am in awe of how far, technologically speaking, that we've come. There is one thing that stands above the rest though and that is the female form. It is creations prize achievement.
Now for the man whose only reason to live is to fall in love, it is unbearably hard for me to get up everyday while not having that reason to live. I have only ever truly been with one woman. One girlfriend that I was able to be with for any length of time. And that was only for a seven month span. I was 25 when I had the pleasure of finally making love to woman. Never sex. Sex is a physical term used. There was nothing more special than looking into a womans eyes and feeling the purest connection between a man and a woman and to try and make her feel like she was the very reason I would continue to breathe. And while it was not to be, the time I was able to spend with her let me feel alive for that short period of time. So for that I will always be greatful to her. There was nothing more I enjoyed that to just lay and hold her in my arms. To let her feel my warmth, my love, my heart, my being, to try and make her feel that nobody could be loved more than I loved her at that moment.
My heart is one that is constantly in pain. The emotional pain has started to cause me physical pain. When the emotions become overwhelming, I start to have moderate to strong pains in my chest. And still that doesn't even come close to how hard it is to deal with the emotional pain everyday. As tough as it might be at times to deal with whatever physical ailments I might have, it at least becomes bearable. As for the emotional pain, well that's crippling. It eats away at my insides. I feel like my heart is being torn into a million pieces. As tired as I am, and as strong as my feeling of not wanting to wake up one day is, there is the desire to give my heart and my existence to another. I have to continue to hope I will find true happiness one day. And the only reason the hope is still there is shear will. However, that will has been beaten and battered to the point that at times I have to fight just to keep it alive. For when it goes, I go. And now at those times it feels like a herculean task. I can't even explain in words how hard it can be to keep the will to live alive. Words would do it no justice.
I am fully engulfed by emotion at this point. There are so many times when I literally feel like I'm going to lose control and no longer be myself. Then there are those times when I am on the edge. I can feel it. I have to use all my strength to fight it back. And again words have no meaning here. It is far beyond what the simple mind can comprehend. It's at this point where I am scared for my life. It's almost paralyzing. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to express a wide range of emotions. But I can't. I just teeter. Waiting to fall off.
I have no problem crying at any other time though. I used to cry all the time at work. I used to cry at night when I laid down listening to music. But for that I don't seem to have many tears left. I have become numb to my own pain most of the time. I have no problem saying that I cry at times if I'm watching a movie. There is just something about me where if I'm watching something about a true story or if it's just part of the story but I know that it's a real life situation that countless people have had to go through, I can feel the pain. I can feel thier sorrow. It becomes part of me. I know what hurt is. It has been my life. So knowing and seeing other people having to feel any kind of hurt is painful for me to watch. To read that might give you an even better understanding of what I am and what I feel. To really care about people I don't even know, just because they are alive and have feelings. I guess that's where the gap between myself and others widens. And it's because of emotional intelligence. It's not enough to have a complex mind and to be able to put it to use for what you feel is important. It's my defining characteristic to be able to mix that with my heart. And to have it all be fueled by my heart. To really care and be thoughtful towards others, and in a way that most others can't appreciate because it would take another who feels even half of what I do to understand. And it's not even just the thought that is important, but how the persons thought process brought them there. It's not enough to care, but what led you there, that's the key.
I'm just so tired of the bullshit. I'm just so tired of the little stuff, the big stuff and everything inbetween. It's so sickening. I am tired of not feeling good enough, of being ignored, of feeling unimportant, unwanted and undesirable. I had at one point truly felt like I had become an alcoholic. It was at a time when I felt I couldn't go any lower and I had received a check for 10,000 as a pre-inheritance. So what did I do? Pissed it all away on going out and drinking. Of going on a cruise and racking up an 800 bar bill for the week I was on it. Of not caring about anything but going out and making my pain go away for a little while. And 9 months later? I was 2,000 dollars in debt. Pretty nice job there. Before then I used to drink in moderation and because I enjoyed the taste of the mixed drinks I would have. I would have some, enough to get that slight carefree feeling, but never enough to be drunk. Then it all changed when the booze would help distract me from myself. But once that feeling was gone, everything would come back full force. So what was I to do?
I had decided six years ago that I was done. I had had enough. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want anymore pain. So I did what I thought I needed too. Instead of going to work one day I would grab myself a bottle of pills and a bottle of booze I had acquired, and I would drive down to Plymouth, Massachusetts to end my sad existence. Now appreciating nature and history the way I do, I figured sitting by the water in Plymouth was a good choice. It was then that I started to write what has ended up becoming the very piece you read now. I wanted to put myself down on paper for those to know what I was. And when I couldn't finish, I came home to a bunch of worried people. Did I care? Not really. I just told them I went away for the day. There wasn't many who I told the truth to. And for those select few who had an opinion on the issue, they didn't and don't know what it's like to live life for the reasons I do. They didn't know what I had been through and what I felt. And when they said it was a selfish thing to think about, I would tell them to go fuck themselves. They weren't the ones who had to live each and every day where waking up was torture. And after all of that, I am still here. So if I am even worse now than I was then, then why do I continue on? The simple answer is love. I have something special inside of me. Sure if I really was thinking about me, I'd lay down and die. But I'm not. I had decided long ago to give my life for love. To give the love I have to someone who I felt truly could cherish it and understand it. I unfortunately haven't been able to find it yet, so I continue to suffer. I died a long time ago. I live to give love and I have chosen to continue to do so.
Living Outside The Box: People
My favorite subject, People. Friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, and just people in general, most will fall under the same catagory for me. I don't respect many people, I don't have many close friends, I have a lot of family, I don't have a lot of family that I would say I could truly respect either. Now don't get me wrong, I've never been perfect, but the reasons for my downfalls can be firmly placed at certain peoples feet. Sure, in the end I am the one wrong, but there are always reasons for everything, and sometimes those reasons are more than a persons mind can endure at times. But through everything, I am here and I can take great pride in what I have become as a human being. Definately nothing close to what I know I could be, but still better than most. There are many things about me that would be certainly worth some others to take notice of and maybe add a little to themselves, but even more things that most wouldn't understand.
I've spent most of my life feeling alone. I've had a lot of people come into and out of my life, but it's because of who and what I am that lets me feel alone. With all that I deal with on an everyday basis, I don't have the people around me to ease the pain. And those who are around, aren't the same kind of person I am. Their hearts, their minds, they don't truly connect the way mine do, and it leads me to emptiness. My perception of people is like my perception of everything, it's complex. I look deep. I see what's inside of everyone and everything.
Now what about feeling alone, how could I? With how big my family is, with the amount of people I know, how could I feel alone? Well the answer to that suprisingly lies deep within me. It's not mostly in a physical sense, but emotionally. I find myself as a man who just isn't on the same page as most other people. This is the main aspect of this entire writing. Good or bad, I'm not the type of man, the type of human, that you would normally come across. And for me I've come across a great number of people. I've seen their strengths, their weaknesses, their faults, their hearts. Of everything, the most painfull sometimes is the people who have walked away from me. People who have walked away from me after I had opened myself up and shown them who I was. Shown my pain. My despair. And they go. The people who have left my life after they found out what I've been through and who I am after it all, after I opened up my heart, when they pretended to care, when they found out my desire to no longer be a part of this world, it was at these times when I felt most alone, because those I opened to would seem to care less about me. This is when I get angry. I know who I am. I know what lies in my heart. If I show you my heart and you don't give it a second thought, then what are you? When you see a person who is so close to the brink of destruction, how do you not care? Where has compassion gone?
I am not perfect. But I have morals and I care. And that means more than anything. It's amazing for somebody who feels that life is just a small step in our existence to get as upset as I do. I would really just like to skip this part and move onto the next phase, but it is here that I feel I can still make a difference for some who do care. Sure, I'd like to have some happiness to hold onto, I want to see what I can really do, but I want to be there for whomever I can and try to make their life better just by being me. I want to have somebody to love. I want to teach my young one right from wrong. And when they are old enough to make decisions for themselves, I want them to do whatever they can to show that they also care. I want to take my wife out to eat and go for a stroll down past some shops for an evening. I want to then sit by the water and as I hold her close we watch the sunset together as one. To have the perfect moment where I can look into her eyes and without a spoken word tell her that my entire being is hers. To have her understand what my love is and to feel the warmth of my heart. To make her feel as special as her heart could take. To give her my sould and me hers as we live out the rest of our mortal lives together. And then carry that bond into eternity as we move from this plane to the next. For someone who doesn't even want to be here now, I just can't stop thinking about the future. The uncertain future we all face. Will I truly find my reason to live? Will I be able to continue to hold onto the hope that I will? Or will the day come where I just can't go on? Where my heart reaches its breaking point, and my will is finally broken. It's never been about finding the perfect person, but one who has a heart that is deserving of my devotion.
For the most part I feel humanity has wasted a precious gift. Every single thing around you, everything, is absolutly amazing. We have developed from almost nothing to what we have today. And everyday is another miracle. This is another reason why I just can't seem to pull the plug on myself. Because of what I see. What I feel. It's not easy waking up everyday as a dead man. To not exist but of only in a physical sense. To see what people are. From family to friends, to neighbors to strangers, to co-workers and shoppers, to intelligent to stupid, and everything inbetween, people have wasted what they could be. They spit on existence everyday. I know people who care, I know people who think, I know people who love, but it's not all put together. People can't really see just how ignorant they are about the world. How selfish, how stupid, how mean, how uncaring, how unthoughtful that they really are. I have had so many disagreements with some because of this. People are so naive. Oh so much. No matter what you can learn in school, no matter what you think you can see, none of it matters because people don't have emotional intelligence. When you can honestly tell me that you are alive not for yourself, then you can tell me my view is wrong.
Living Outside The Box: Existence
Existence is a funny thing. For me, there are times when I am happy to be blessed with life. Life is a gift. It should be treasured. It should be lived to it's fullest potential. But it isn't. So many things are left unsaid, undone or just forgotten. Nothing should be taken for granted. Everything about your existence is a miracle. The ability to be aware of our surroundings is a miracle. To smell, to taste, to feel, it's all part of an amazing phenomenon. To be alive. To love. I'm just tired of not having a reason to be here. To find out who I am is to find what love truly is. To find what passion is. And it's the simple things. A hug. Yes, a hug. That can be a very special thing for me. A hug is so much more than what it appears to be. A hug is a bond. It is an acceptance of another being into your most personal space, into your guarded space. To allow somebody to get that close to you means you trust them with your life. To say I can let you hold my life in your arms for a moments time. And it's the physical touch, not just the emotional bonding. It's not just about you allowing somebody into your space and letting them hold your existence in their hands either. It's about you taking somebody else's and showing that you accept their warmth and love and you give of yourself to make them feel comfort. It's about the touch. The assurance that I have your back, that you are there for them. And even when it's just to say hello, just to give a greeting, if your heart is true enough, it always means more. All this from a simple hug. It's very important to show others my heart, and a hug is a simple way of doing that.
I enjoy the simple things. The important things. No matter how bad my day is, for one moment, when I get home and I see my cat Bubby there, I lose all the bad. To have him purr and rub up against my leg, it's that simple showing of affection, of love, that I can take hold of. To know that my presence makes him happy, it let's me forget my pain. Simple, but effective when there isn't much to fall back on.
So why is my view of existence as passionate as it is? Well I've mentioned some of the details throughout this writing, but here are some of the more important. Life is not what you think. Our existence is not what you think. What is it exactly? Damned if I know, but I will not accept what I cannot see. I am a man who needs proof before I can truly believe. I am not a god fearing man. That doesn't mean I don't have any belief that I think there is something out there because there may very well be just that. Do I think it is in what people believe, or hope, or have faith in it to be? No. But believe what you will. It matters not to me. Religion to me is just the belief in something out of some sort of fear. And I don't believe religion to be a bad thing. It allows people to hope and pray that there is something else out there. Humanity just couldn't cope with knowing that there was nothing out there after they die. So humanity did what it had to do to try and understand the world around them and why it and we were here. Do I believe in Jesus? Yes. I believe there was such a man. But just a man. A good man who did what he could to make others show their hearts and a man who also had to have something to believe in. To have other believe in. That is just what my thoughts are. I could be wrong. I could be right. Do I care about either? No. I'm here and that's all that matters. I don't care how. I'd like to know but I never will get to. So it is what it is. Either way it's amazing that existence is, well, just that it is.
Death. What is it? Who knows. Certainly lots of explanations if you want to hear them. I will know for sure when my heart no longer beats. That is again enough for me. Until then I will not concern myself with the why or how. What about our souls? I don't know if it's exactly that, but there is something there. Something else we can't explain. Maybe it's because of who and why I am, but I can feel something else going on. Not just the little electrical stimulants in my brain. We all have who we are and it has nothing to do with our skin and bones. But it's just another wait and see I guess. Wait for my end and know. Not speculate. Not believe in anything besides my heart. But it kills me to see what others have become and for what? I see so much hurt, so much waste of life, so much wrong, and it kills me. How can I see the torture of souls and be ok with it. All the pain I deal with is unimportant. I suffer, I claw and scratch just to stay alive and it isn't even for me. I live for others and hopefully one special individual. So all the negativity that I talk about is not being a pessimist, it's being a realist. Life is a gift. It should be treated as such. But it is not. And life is controlled by the all mighty dollar. That's it. It's what lets up survive. And that's not what it should be. Without money we would work at our craft for survival. We would work to not only give ourselves what we need to live but to help others get what they need. To live just for living and to be part of something great.
Sad thing is I'm fortunate to live in a country such as this. It's sad because this country has become pathetic. But it's still better than some others situations. I do love my land of origin, but just that. The land. The history. Not the people. The people are quite entertaining of those who call themselves american. So high on who they are and yet americans are just as, if not more pathetic than the rest of the world. We talk down to other cultures because of the bad that we see, but we have our own instances of being selfish, uncaring and just plain stupid.
Living in New England, I love the seasons. The good can make the uncomfortable bearable. The severe cold can be troublesome to deal with and the hot and muggy summers can also be hard to deal with, but it's all part of a cycle. I'm sure I might like living in a warmer climate a little better, but I would miss some of the great things about the northeast. There are all sorts of good and bad about it but some of the great is the air in the morning of a warm spring day. The buds of the trees and the flowers in bloom. Thawing out after a long cold winter as you watch nature take its course. You can appreciate the warmth and the color all around. As breathtaking as the snow covered land can be, when the color comes back, it livens you up. And after those hot, stormy summer nights when a powerful thunderstorm lights up the sky and nature shows it's wrath, we come back to watching the leaves change colors and fall from the trees. Nature can be so beautiful, so peaceful, and so deadly. You must respect it and be humble to it's true beauty. This is existence. Respecting each and every part of it and just being in awe of it's power and treasure it.
Living Outside The Box: The End
When will the end be? The way my life has gone I wish I knew. For all I know it could be tommorrow. It could be two weeks. It could be two months. I could be sick. I could have something wrong. I haven't been to the doctors in over ten years. Do I care? Not really. I'm still kicking. I figure if it's my time then I will go. I would like to stay and do what as I can as a human being but for all I know, I might be able to do something more, something greater when I am not on this plane of existence anymore. So I will play with the cards that I am delt. Good or bad. But either way, my life will be something that at the end I can be proud of.
I have written this because not only do I want some to understand me, but more importantly, open their eyes to what a being might be capable of. Now I don't know what I truly could do, and seeing as I work at a plastics company, I won't find out anytime soon. The saddest part is I can't even do that to best of my ability. I have so much always running through my head that my memory at times is not all that great. I'm always thinking about something so concentration can be a problem. I just have so much going on in my head that I'm not even the man I was a couple of years back when it comes to what my brain can do. If I were to clear up some of this mess then I might just have a chance at doing something truly special. It brings me pain to see my mind not at it's optimum running capability. Which I guess would add to the shit so as to make it worse. But I guess that's the story of me. One big downward spiral. At this point my insides are hollow and I feel defeated. Others wouldn't really be able to feel what I do. Not as much as others would think. I'm such a wide mixture of so many traits and characteristics. From how intelligent I can be, to how complex, to how much I care, to how much I have gone through, what I've done, what I haven't done, the things that have been done to me, how much I've been shit on, how much I see, how much I love, how hard it is to keep fighting, how long I've been alone for, how many different kinds of human beings I've come across in my travels, how my family is, how my friends are and were, how many people have left me for dead, how I feel I haven't even come close to reaching my potential, how much my desire to not live is at times, how I only live for others, how much I truly deeply care, it's all me. And it's all not able to be explained by words. I am special. Who I am is special. And yet some have seen me as fake. Some who have seen how much I really care and how much I do for others have been convinced that I was gay. I thought it was funny but after giving it some thought it was really sad. Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing at all against anyone for who they chose to love or care for. Whatever makes you happy is fine by me. But it's just about the expectations of others. To think I couldn't just be a simple loving man who would do anything to make somebody else happy is what is sad. To where there had to be something different about me. Which is odd seeing as it was coming from a couple of lesbians anyway. Just because their luck with guys left such a bad taste in their mouth they think no guy can be straight and still caring. How sad for them in that regard. But for me, it's just who I am. I just love to give love. No matter to who or what. As long as the heart is good, that's all that matters in the end.
As I type this, all I can think about is how much people still just won't understand what this is all about. What this really means. Why this was created. Well the why was easy, it was supposed to be my farewell address to everyone. But obviously six years later I am still here. I had always hoped that at least some could pick out at least some of this, but I've started to give up on people. Some I know can understand some things, because some I know have good or even great hearts. But to understand what it's like to live for six years after wanting to kill yourself, that gets even trickier. I know there are many that have thought about it and never did. But it's why they stopped that makes it different. Some I would asume were scared, some decided what they had was worth living. Well I was neither. I just wanted to give of me. But that feeling, that drive that made me sit by the water in Plymouth, all of that hurt and desire, it's all still there. Every day I wake up. Every day I go to sleep. That has never left me. But six years later I still breathe. I still am here to work on things. That might be the thing that people don't realize the most. Why would they? If you didn't kill yourself, and it's so many years later, things should be ok, right? So again I'm different. I can still function, still hope for my future, all while still having that pain inside of me. I can still go to work and smile and laugh with people. I can still try to make their day better. To hopefully make them smile. And once I am done, and my mind is no longer distracted with my simple forms of entertainment, I remember that day in Plymouth. I know why I am. So I accept the rest.
I am just tired. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the loneliness. I am tired of the torture of waking up everyday and having to force myself to get out of bed and live another day without my reason to live. I have come across so many young woman and it just kills me to know that they will end up settling for less than they deserve. That they won't be treated with the love and respect that they should receive. And not just because they are beautiful, but because they are women. Because they are a miracle to be alive themselves. Because they hold the miracle of life inside of them. Because the female form is the most beautiful creation of all. Something created by chance that could be so delicate, so sensual, so incredible, so strong, it should be treasured when the heart is just as beautiful.
I still don't do the things I should to better myself. But it's hard at times because I use so much energy trying to keep myself ok. I have used so much of myself to keep me on this side of the grass that things have always been hard for me. One of the only times I've gone out and bettered myself was when I got my bartending lisence. I was proud of that. But for a long time I didn't do anything with it. However, when that changed and I had tried so many times to finally do something with it, I could never find a job mainly because I was a guy. A lot of the drunks are guys and guys just want to see a tight ass and perky breasts. (Neither of which I have by the way). I must be different because as wonderful as it is to see a beautiful woman, I would rather have some dude as my bartender if he can make me a good drink. But that's just me. So I never could get a job anywhere, even when I tried. I just didn't know anyone that could get me in. Besides trying to find the bartending thing, I just haven't done much.
As I said I had been with a woman once. It was only for a little over half a year but it made me better. I was stronger inside. But not as strong as I could have been. While not always what she perceived as perfect either, my heart and my mind were always true. Now her heart was good too, but her mind was just not where it needed to be. There were things I overlooked, things that weren't right, but I tried to help her in the best way I could. It was still an important part of my life though. I am happy for it. There was also a time a couple of years back that I had started seeing another girl. She was younger than I was and it wasn't really the best timing for it. But she will always hold a special place in my heart. Even more so than the only girl that I was ever fully intimate with. The short time that we had spent together was nice, but we weren't always on the same page. I didn't agree with how her mind processed things but thought that with more time could mean more understanding. There were things done, things said, and in the end, what made me not want to try was the fact that she seemed to be going somewhere in her life and I just wasn't sure that I was. I concluded that she deserved better than that. She had come to me at one of the very low points in my life but again the experience has fond memories. Most important of which is that I will never forget when she had kissed me the first time out of the blue. Even to this day I can still go back to that moment and feel her lips pressed against mine. What I felt at that very moment.
Besides those short times, the kind of love that I have been searching for hasn't come my way. Both times I had been persued. That is what I had always wanted. I know what I have inside of me. I always wanted someone to see it, realize how special it was, and want it for themselves. I was always afraid, even now, because even though I know better, I've really never been given any reason to think that others see me as good enough. As worth it. And even though it was never what I really wanted, I would have given a chance to somebody trying to find somebody for me. Trying to match me up. I didn't always want it that way, but if somebody knew somebody else who they thought would be a good match then I would certainly have been open to any possibility. But nobody had cared enough to try and help me find what would ultimately be my reason for living. So I have almost always been alone.
My life has become nothing at this point. I am still miserable. I am still alone. I still don't have all those bonds I would have needed. I have pretty much three guys that I hang out with. One is my best friend. Another happens to be one of my cousins and the third guy I used to work with. Those are my buddies. I have a few other friends, but only three guys that I have any real bond with. I have done so many things for so many people, and so many people know a lot about who I am, and yet I've never had a lot of real close people in my life. My father has been in and out so many times its rediculous. Came to the point where I was tired of trying. I left my number behind one last time for him and my half brother, by him, and that was it. No call, no care. I tried. He even has another son by another woman, and he's just a litte guy. The only brother I see is the one I live with who is my mother and stepfathers kid. The four of us live together along with my cat and my brothers rabbitt. I hate the fact that I still live at home, but any thought of that changing seemed to change once our economy went into the toilet. It wasn't worth the risk of having even more shit to worry about. I never have money as it is. I have wasted such an incredible amount on so many people and it's been very few that have done anything for me since. I have wasted so much of myself in every way.
Life and death is such a powerful thing to think about. I was always afraid I would never be known. I wanted people to see what I was on the inside. It was important to me the first time I had written this years ago. And even though I decided to continue to suffer through each and every day, if I had the opportunity to give my life for somebody else then I would. If I want to live for others, the most noble thing to be able to do would be to give up my life for someone. That's just who I am. But if that never presents itself, then I will fight on until I can finally hold the woman who will love me for what I am and I will in turn give myself to her. Then and only then will I finally be able to sleep at peace and wake up with the strength of a thousand men. I wish for that day with all my heart. My broken, shattered, empty heart.